Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Advice for Anyone Visting Kentucky

As I mentioned in an early post, I am by birth a Kentuckian and I love it there. But like some of the great pioneers and explorers of America's past, I do feel abit "crowded" there sometimes. However, Kentucky is beautiful and its people are friendly and obliging, and they love visitors. Therefore, thought I would share a little advice with you to prepare you for your visit. You are going to visit Kentucky, aren't you!?

Advice for Visitors:

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Just stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don´t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive pick-up complete with a shotgun and a rifle in the gun rack and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don´t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

6. Get used to hearing, "You ain´t from around here, are you?"

7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

8. If you hear a redneck exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear!

9. Ge used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."

10. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point.

12. Chili does NOT have beans in it.

13. Brisket is not `cooked`in an oven.

14. Don´t tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.

15. If you think it's too hot, don´t worry. It'll cool down --in December.

16. We do to have 4 seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!

17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is.

18. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot", you can be certain they are.

19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it.

20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask.

21. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.

22. If you don´t understand our passion for college and high school football, just keep your mouth shut.

23. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

24. If you are on a two lane road and see a slower moving vehicle pull onto the shoulder -- that is called "courtesy".

25. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.

26. No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime.

27. "Tea" = Iced Tea. There is no other kind.

28. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

29. Don´t be worried that you don´t understand anyone. They don´t understand you either.

30. If it can´t be fried in bacon grease, it ain´t worth cooking, let alone eating.

31. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September, can wait until December.

32. Most Kentuckians do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. If fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Kentucky license plate, you may be fairly sure it was on when the car was purchased.

33. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're suppose to do.

34. Satellite dishes are very popular in Kentucky. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your house. This is logical bearing in mind that he dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

35. In Kentucky tornadoes and divorces have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

36. If attending a funeral in Kentucky, remember we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on, the tent is torn down, and the empties are picked up.

37. There are no delis. Don´t ask.

38. If you forget a Kentuckian's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba" --- you have a 75% chance of being right.

39. Be advised that in Kentucky, "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

40. "Dinner" is not served in the evening. Dinner is something that is cooked for the midday meal. Supper is served in the evening. Lunch is food carried in a brown paper bag or lunch box to work.


Idamaria said...

We stopped in Peduka(sp)Kentucty on our way back from the "Heart of Country Antiques" show once several years ago during the month of February and when I saw the pansies and felt humidity in the 2nd month of the year...I knew I could never live that far south. Give me Upper Michigan every day of the year and I would be a very happy camper! I am a displaced yooper. LOL

Sherri said...

I LOVED this entry! Laughed myself silly reading through it! Thanks for sharing!

Jessica said...

The funniest thing I know about a Kentuckian is a woman who named her baby girl - Heaven Lee.